Critical Investigation Draft 2: Feedback


Comments on Critical Investigation second draft:

Mark: 40
Grade: B

This is a slight improvement but it’s not quite got the clarity and academic research to hit A/A*. However, I don’t think it’s far away:

·         A few typos and clumsy sentences to address but not far off in terms of written English.
·         One aspect of the above is topic sentences – some are difficult to follow. You want extremely clear, simple topic sentences that tell the reader where the essay is going next.
·         The male side of the essay is holding this back – not mentioned at all in the introduction and as far as I can see no research specifically on masculinity. Fortunately, I recently found an excellent David Gauntlett essay on gender identity and masculinity. Build this into your section on male representations: http://www.theoryhead.com/gender/extract.htm  You could definitely discuss the idea of a ‘crisis in masculinity’ in relation to characters like Peeta along with plenty of other stuff. Gauntlett is an excellent A Level/degree level media theorist so will add a lot to your essay. Get a good few quotes in!
·         Along similar lines, you are still missing some pretty obvious theorists that would add academic weight to the essay. Where is Judith Butler and gender as performance? Think about the feminism stuff you have studied recently with Ms Fowler.
·         In general, you don’t cover the other side to your argument – are gender roles not perhaps as advanced as we’d hope? E.g. Katniss costume, gender pay gap in Hollywood, Trump elected into White House! You can take the positive view but you need to acknowledge there is another side to the argument – this is crucial to display the ‘critical perspective’ needed for A/A*.

Next steps:

·         Post this to your coursework blog (you don’t need to post mark/grade if you don’t want to).
·         Give me a plan/timeframe on what you will do for the final draft.

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